Posted in Love, Motherhood, Parenting, Relationship, Uncategorized

Motherhood.

Having a child of my own, I can’t imagine how any mom could forsake her children, especially when they are too young and need her so much. I never really knew how much love I could give until I became a mother. And it puzzles me how there are some mothers out there who can sleep soundly every night knowing that they have abandoned their children.

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I was raised by my grandmother and lived with my aunts and uncles since I was a baby. My mom had to work overseas because she was a single mom and she wanted to give me and my siblings a comfortable life. I rarely saw her when I was little. She worked 10 months a year and only came home and stayed with us for 2 months, so I wasn’t really close to her. I even thought that my aunt was my mom and my mom was just my aunt. I was 4 years old, I think, when I knew she was my mom.

When I was 10 years old my mother came home for good and took me and my siblings away from my grandmother. We lived in a different place and didn’t have any communication with my grandma, aunts, and uncles for a few years. My siblings and I lived with our mother. It felt so strange and for a few months I didn’t feel at home. I felt shy and scared to approach her or to talk to her or to even ask a simple question. I was able to adjust to living with her though, and I started to feel at home. However, my mom and I had always fought because she was so strict and I had disobeyed her most of the time. I was growing up. I was becoming a teenager. I was at that stage in my life where I thought I knew everything I needed to know about life and I thought I could already handle myself. My mom, on the other hand, had always disapproved of my choices and told me over and over again that I have to listen to her because she is always right. I was 15 years old when my mom and I started to get along, but we still had fights though because she was extremely strict and I felt like she didn’t understand how I feel because we never had a heart-to-heart talk.

When I was 17 years old, my mom and I had a fight and I ran away from home. It was on October 30, 2010. My mom told me that she never wanted to see me ever again. I went back to my grandmother. A few weeks had passed and I didn’t hear anything from my mom. She never looked for me. My grandmother called her but nothing happened. I stopped going to school because the school principal called me on my phone and said that my mom instructed them not to let me enter the school premises. I felt so devastated. I couldn’t believe my own mom could do that to me. How could any mother take away the right of having an education from her children?

I decided to look for my biological father. I got his name on my birth certificate and searched for him on Facebook and Google. I was able to find him and we met on Christmas Eve. We talked about everything blah blah blah for hours and he took a photo of us, he posted it on Facebook and tagged me. My mother saw it and it made her so furious. On February 5, 2011 I went to my mom’s house to apologize and patch things up, but she said she can never forgive me for looking for my dad. She said she can forgive all of my mistakes but she can never forgive me for going to my dad. She said she will never forgive me until she dies. I apologized and begged all to no avail. I just wanted to talk to her to explain myself but she didn’t give me a chance. She told me that I’m not her daughter anymore, and that I shouldn’t go back to her house because I’m not a part of her family anymore. She said she should’ve just had me aborted when she was still pregnant (it hurt me but I kinda got used to hearing it because she had always said that to me every time we fought).

On April 13, 2011, it was my mom’s birthday. I went back to her house but she just shooed me away. She told me she’ll call the police if I wouldn’t go away. So I did. I was crying but she didn’t care. On June 2011 I went back to her house again to try to talk to her but she didn’t open the door. I kept trying but I always failed. It was my 18th birthday on August 21, 2011 and I  kept my hopes up that she would finally forgive me and let me come home but she didn’t. I didn’t hear anything from her.

It hurt me so much. I had so many questions in my mind that were left unanswered. How could she hate her own child so much? How could she sleep soundly at night not knowing where I was? How could she eat breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner  without even thinking if I have food to eat? How could she travel to many places happily without even thinking if I was still alive? How could she live a happy life knowing that she has abandoned her own child? But I decided to move on with my life. I started to accept the fact that my mom doesn’t want me anymore. I was still praying for her to forgive me though but I wasn’t expecting that she’ll let me come back home. I went to her house on April 13, 2012 because it was her birthday but I didn’t let her see me. I just threw a letter over the gate. I don’t know if she read it or not, but at least I tried to reach out to her (I had no other means to communicate with her because she changed her mobile number).

I went on with my life and stopped thinking about the pain. I stopped asking questions. I have learned to accept the situation. I promised myself that when the time comes that I become a mother, I will love my children unconditionally and I will never do to them what my mom did to me. No matter what mistakes they commit, no matter how big our fight gets, I will always always always forgive them and accept them when they come running back to me.

On March 31, 2015, the most amazing thing happened to me. I gave birth to a handsome baby boy. I became a mother.

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It was so amazing. No words could ever describe how happy I was the moment I saw my baby. I thought to myself, I will do anything for my him. I will never let anyone hurt him, I will never let anything bad happen to him. I will give him nothing but the best. My baby is now 15 months old, turning 16 months in 4 days. I love him more and more each day and I seriously can’t imagine abandoning him.

My life would have been different if my mom didn’t abandon me. It probably wouldn’t have been so hard. I probably wouldn’t have had to go through what I’ve been through. But I don’t hate her. She’s still my mother after all. I wouldn’t be existing in this world if it wasn’t because of her. I still don’t understand why she’s like that, but I don’t hate her because I’m also a mother now and I can’t imagine my son hating me. I love my mother despite everything that happened. I love her for all the good things she had done. I love her for working so hard to give us a comfortable life. I love her for sending me to high-standard private schools (even though she didn’t let me finish). I love her for all the pricey things she bought me. I love her for supporting me and being my number one fan every time I joined school pageants and declamation contests. I love her for defending me when my classmates bullied me. I love her because she’s my mother. I choose to remember the good things in her instead of the bad. Nobody’s perfect. Not even mothers. I make mistakes as a mother, too, but I never want my son to hate me. Motherhood is hard, and being abandoned by my own mother makes it even harder. But I choose to look at the positive side of it so I could become a better mother to my son.

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Author:

Manila, Philippines. August 21, 1993. Mom of a handsome baby boy. Foodie. Makeup junkie. Introvert. FB: facebook.com/jappylicious Instagram: @jappylicious Snapchat: @jappylicious Twitter: @jappyliciouss Tumblr: jappymiranda.tumblr.com YouTube: youtube.com/jappymiranda

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